As I lay awake in the dead of the night, and as is normal with me these days,I cannot help but wonder about my 'Parentlessness'. Guess I'm yet to come to terms with the fact. I can't communicate on these feelings with anyone (call me closed) so thought of reviving my very very ancient habit of penning down my thoughts & feelings.
Shall I forget about my parents? Not as in really "forget", but lose the sense of connect gradually, with time? Never got an opportunity to get to know my father; he left rather in a hurry. As if he had more important things to do; maybe he did have. But Mum: my relationship with her had grown deep roots, somewhere. The violent verbal spats. She worrying over my life (typical Indian mother who thought her daughter would be doomed if not married). Her unhappiness about my choice of career and jobs subsequently. Her constant follow ups on my whereabouts, which got on my nerves. Her unspoken sadness of not feeling the joy of holding a grandchild. Her possessiveness about me even after my marriage (of course I was always to be her little girl and she had first right on me. Whatever that meant). The trips we took to shopping malls and cinemas till her health permitted. The pizzas and fish fries were shared. The discussions ranging from house maids to somebody else's children to fashion trends to pnpc to horrific state of affairs all around. Her frequent, necessary & unnecessary, phone calls to me. The way her eyes lit up whenever I got her a gift-be out birthday or Durga pujo. The way she would always say that she doesn't need a gift, but in heart of hearts knowing and expecting one nevertheless. Her illnesses. Her doctor and hospital trips. Her dialysis saga. Her hysteria and mood swings (majorly owing to her extreme physical illness... And to some extent her inherent trait of anxiety, I won't lie just coz she's my mother).
Whew! Overwhelming how much I shared with her, and she shared with me. Truly sharing life.
Will it remain with me? Or will it fade? I'm scared even to admit that with time it might fade. I might lose the nitty gritty, the nuances, the expressions, the emotions.There's a sense of guilt. There's an ocean of sadness; of knowing that time will indeed take some things away. I won't be able to retain it all.
I wish I had spent more time with her. I wish I had comforted her better. I wish I was more tolerant of her moods.
I hope she knew I loved her. I hope she knew she meant the world to me. I hope she knows I tried my level best (though I feel I could've done better).I hope she'll forgive me for all the wrongs i have done.I hope she's happy and free of pain.
I pray she be with me all my life. I pray I never forget how she smelled, how soft her skin was, how she smiled, how she cried.I pray she remembers me and hold my hand all through my good days and the bad.
There's so much more I want to write. But alas. She's my mother! How can I capture her in mere words! Wishful thinking! Just like I wish & hope & pray she's with me.
