Midnight memoir

 As I lay awake in the dead of the night, and as is normal with me these days,I cannot help but wonder about my 'Parentlessness'. Guess I'm yet to come to terms with the fact. I can't communicate on these feelings with anyone (call me closed) so thought of reviving my very very ancient habit of penning down my thoughts & feelings.

Shall I forget about my parents? Not as in really "forget", but lose the sense of connect gradually, with time? Never got an opportunity to get to know my father; he left rather in a hurry. As if he had more important things to do; maybe he did have. But Mum: my relationship with her had grown deep roots, somewhere. The violent verbal spats. She worrying over my life (typical Indian mother who thought her daughter would be doomed if not married). Her unhappiness about my choice of career and jobs subsequently. Her constant follow ups on my whereabouts, which got on my nerves. Her unspoken sadness of not feeling the joy of holding a grandchild. Her possessiveness about me even after my marriage (of course I was always to be her little girl and she had first right on me. Whatever that meant). The trips we took to shopping malls and cinemas till her health permitted. The pizzas and fish fries were shared. The discussions ranging from house maids to somebody else's children to fashion trends to pnpc to horrific state of affairs all around. Her frequent, necessary & unnecessary, phone calls to me. The way her eyes lit up whenever I got her a gift-be out birthday or Durga pujo. The way she would always say that she doesn't need a gift, but in heart of hearts knowing and expecting one nevertheless. Her illnesses. Her doctor and hospital trips. Her dialysis saga. Her hysteria and mood swings (majorly owing to her extreme physical illness... And to some extent her inherent trait of anxiety, I won't lie just coz she's my mother).

Whew! Overwhelming how much I shared with her, and she shared with me. Truly sharing life.

Will it remain with me? Or will it fade? I'm scared even to admit that with time it might fade. I might lose the nitty gritty, the nuances, the expressions, the emotions.There's a sense of guilt. There's an ocean of sadness; of knowing that time will indeed take some things away. I won't be able to retain it all.

I wish I had spent more time with her. I wish I had comforted her better. I wish I was more tolerant of her moods.

I hope she knew I loved her. I hope she knew she meant the world to me. I hope she knows I tried my level best (though I feel I could've done better).I hope she'll forgive me for all the wrongs i have done.I hope she's happy and free of pain.

I pray she be with me all my life. I pray I never forget how she smelled, how soft her skin was, how she smiled, how she cried.I pray she remembers me and hold my hand all through my good days and the bad.

There's so much more I want to write. But alas. She's my mother! How can I capture her in mere words! Wishful thinking! Just like I wish & hope & pray she's with me.

Sunday'r Shikarokti :-D

Sundays are always wonderful :-)

Yesterday was no exception.Though the maid took a french leave and mom was down with a bad stomach,and I did a plethora of house-work,weilding my own two-hands,brandishing my culinery skills with all the veggies I could lay my hands on.

As the sweltering day approached an end,the city welcomed a much awaited burst of severe thunderstorm and rain!! "Aaaaahhhhhh......ki aram!!!",that's all i could feel :-)

However as I was looking forward to an evening of Adda with my friends,I was glad when the rain got reigned to a drizzle at around 7pm.And we(me and a friend of mine) headed towards another friend's house for a session of unadulterated "discover yourself" sessions(of course,her house was empty that dat day,save herself).En route I remembered that I was out of stock of ciggys.Stopped at a paan-shop to get some,but as luck would have it,the paan-wala has decided to go "healthy"(his definition-moronic!)by chucking cigarettes from his shop!!!! Just imagine!! A paan-shop in Kol minus ciagrettes!!! I mean,this really exists!
Anyways,I decided to move on.Another tiny bus-stop cold-drink & chips & paan shop was more "normal",though with its limited stock of ciggy brands.It was drizzling heavily by that time again,and as I didnt have an umbrella on me,I tried to save my spectacles from getting dreched with the help of my palm,while with my other hand I fished out money."Ekta Filter Wills deben Dada"...no response..before you start wondering,there were some people in and around the shop....suddenly I realized that all had gone eerily quiet...too quiet.....but then this kinda reaction I often get when I'm buying ciggy...men simply cant come to terms with the fact dat a woman is asking for a pack of ciggy!!(but they cant discourage me :-) ).However,this time the response time was becoming weirdly loooonnnggggg...so,I finally took a good look at the guys in and around the shop,and realized that none of them were the shop-keeper.Anyways,finally a guy kindly pointed out,verbally,"dokaan-dar pechone ache"(shop-owner is somewhere in the back of the shop......getting the 2L bottles of Pepsi & Sprite for THEIR daru-party,I realized later).

Well,yeah,I did get embarrassed,but am too proud to show it....smart-a** as always,I said "Thank you,dada",to no-one in particular,but meaning all of them,pretending to be in a tremendous rush,though I was in none......grabbed my pack of ciggy(the shop-owner had finally emerged at my voice calling out to him)....and trotted back to my car......Whew!!!!........of course,my friends had a good laugh after I relayed the incident to them.......but what-the-hell......bade-bade shaheron mein chhoti-chhoti baatein hoti rehti hain ;-)

Anything Yet?????

"...and Rehan's parents were so sweet...not like my Mom,sneaking after me all the time hoping to catch me red handed...she confiscated my cell phone!!! Can you imagine!!!!......ma'am? Are you listening to me,ma'am??", repeated Dimpy, trying to break into Brinda's reverie.

Brinda was lost in memories as old as 10 years, no, more,14 years.She was still a school girl with adolescent dreams in her eyes.
Brinda used to sneak a peek at that boy in her class,whenever possible.They were friends.They shared the same school bus,same section of class,in fact they had consecutive roll numbers as a result of late session transfers to this city and school.Both been out of Calcutta for a long time.Not used to class politics amongst students(like which group the new student should belong to,beside whom she/he should be seated,who should help her cope with the 'class culture' and so on).They even resided in the same block of a Calcutta township! So, it was to no one's surprise that they became best of friends within a few days.

Things,however, took an unexpected twist as Brinda realized that, for the first time in her life of 15 years, she was experiencing a new kind of emotional stirring within herself. "Yes,I'm in Love!", thought Brinda with an elation she had never felt before!
Oh,how I wish I was there to correct her, "Dear girl, this is a mere crush that you are experiencing.It happens to everybody.Nothing wrong in enjoying it.But that's all.There's no more to it".But alas, I didn't exist then, and it is as well that she gathered her own first hand experience and grew up, to be the fine lady she is today.

What happens to a some body's first crush?
(a) She/He jumps into their 2Nd,3rd,4Th crushes and forgets the 1st one as a sweet memory tucked away in some recess of their heart(mind has got nothing to do with a crush!)
(b) Crush culminates into a two-way traffic and..........
(c) Crush becomes unrequited love that one cherishes even after substantial amount of time passes
(d) Crush turns into love and they live happily ever after

Now don't ask me the rate of probability of any of these inferences! They are based, purely on my personal observations,and no professional survey has any contribution.

To continue,Brinda's case was typically of (C) category.Poor Brinda, she never once realized that this boy was entirely ill-suited for her. Instead she had all sorts of terrible nightmares - which included He getting married to that other & prettier girl(according to Brinda) in class.Then what happened??? Well, school finished, and that was that.Whew!!!!!

"....I was telling you about Rehan.Ma'am, you are not listening to me. Or maybe you don't think this deserves your serious attention", sulked Dimpy.
"Oh no! Never in my life! Please tell me more about him",coaxed Brinda, and listened awe-struck to this new, budding , inter-religion love story. How times have changed, wondered Brinda, (and 14 years is not really that long a time!! Or, is it??) listening with rapt attention to her class 10Th student as she narrated how her Muslim boyfriend(who is in class 12Th) had taken her home to meet his parents. Of how Rehan's parents were understanding, unlike her parents who looked down upon their "relationship"!!

All Brinda could do was ask Dimpy to be honest about her studies, and not to break her parents' and teachers' hearts by doing anything fool-hardy.

Brinda was interrupted when Dimpy suddenly asked,"Ma'am,wassup in your life?Anything yet?Did you meet anyone special?"
"No", the involuntary answer escaped Brinda's lips before she could stop herself.
Dimpy persisted,"Aunty must be on the lookout for you?"
"Yes",was all Brinda could manage.She need not have worried, as Dimpy, after asking these perfunctory questions of her teacher's well-being(who had seen her grow from a toddler to a young girl), launched into another voluble description of her love-life!!!

Karkatrashi

I just finished watching a telefilm, “Karkatrashi”, or Cancerian.
No, this is not a critical analysis of the film that I want to write. Of course, Konkona Sen Sharma excels and exceeds herself in whatever piece of acting she does. With her expressive eyes, prolific acting and down to earth looks, she is the dream of any artiste. But the movie got my thoughts stirring. Thoughts I have always had, but looking for a confirmation.

Just to brief you on the background of the movie, its about this girl, Pori ( Angel ), who is destined to share her lonely mother’s agony of being a widowed and single parent, when her father, a pilot, dies in an aircrash while she is still very little. Pori’s mother did a fine job of bringing her up to become a very sensitive, helpful and jovial young woman. However Pori could always sense her mother’s loneliness and her tendency to blame herself for whatever goes wrong.

Things take a twist when Pori’s blood is detected with Cancer, ironic, given the fact that her mother was a staunch believer of horoscopes, and was convinced that Pori’s ideal match would be a Cancerian!

The movie ends with Pori dying, Pori’s mother gaining a companion in a teacher from her college. Pori’s Jethima( aunty ) befriending Pori’s silent admirer, who fills in the void created by her son, now living in US of A, married to a green card holder, and his Indian mother relegated to a thing of past.

Wonderful story, natural but underplayed acting, authentic settings and some good music from Rabindranath Tagore’s collection brought together by director Sohag Sen really got my mood rolling for this piece of write-up.

I was left asking myself, as I have been somewhat depressed off late, due to various reasons, is there any point in musing as to what future holds? Not that I’m a person who likes to plan and program everything for future! Still, I was left wondering, would I really want to see myself in a photo-frame adorned with flowers and garlands, near and dear ones mourning, and remembering all my good deeds? Knowing myself, and not surprisingly, I got the answer as “yes, I would like that”, provided I die happy and have at least given a few things to be remembered by, to this world. Rather to My world. I’m too small to consider the Whole Wide World. However I can, and do, make a difference to the People around me.

The movie made me think, about things that I already know and appreciate to some extent. It kind of even resembles, only to some extent, my Life. Why is it that parents, especially mothers, more accurately mothers who are not professionally engaged, believe that their life essentially revolves around their children? Spouses are there too, but it is the children on whom they largely depend for their emotional investments. I’m not a parent yet. So I guess I’m not qualified to answer this question. However, from my real life experiences, I strongly believe that every human being should have a space of their own, which is removed from all family attachments. Parents give birth to children. They nurture them. Want them to stand in their own two strong legs. But problem begins when they actually start doing just that! Insecurity sets in. A sense of being left out. Here, I think it is necessary to take a lesson from the animal kingdom, save homo-sapiens. They give birth to their off springs, nurture them, teach them catch prey, and let them go. Now I do agree and understand that EQ of human beings is higher and different from that of the rest of animals. However, it is necessary to remember that the older generation perishes first, and the younger ones must learn to fend for themselves. Failing which, survival of the fittest come into play, and the lesser mortals are vanquished. I’m sure then that no set of parents would want that!

Pori’s mother hankered about how her daughter's perfect match has to be a Cancerian. She got so obsessed with the idea, that she never noticed Pori missing out on her romance of youth that most others of her age were enjoying. And Pori, being the good daughter of her mother, never could give herself the space to recognize and appreciate the true love of Arko in her lifetime. Had Pori lived, instead of dying, would it have been more important to find her a Horoscopic match, or a real-life compatibility match? Would she really have been happy marrying a man just because her horoscope matched with his, or Arko, who would have made her happy, horoscope, or no horoscope! Wasn’t Pori’s Aunty happy, at least initially, to brag about how her son lived in the US of A, worked there and earned big bucks, to her friends and relatives? Is it no true that she looked down her nose at her friends’ or relatives’ children who were financially not so well off, however stayed back with their parents? Well, lets just get real! You can’t have your cake and eat it too!

Although at the same time I disagree with this notion that whoever leaves the country for a job forgets their parents. I have a whole lot of friends and acquaintances living abroad, making a good living, at the same time taking full responsibility of their parents. Lets not always act as moralists and denounce all progress and upliftment, social, financial or emotional.

My New Life

It's another hot afternoon.Long time since I was deprived of the centralised AC of my office.Yes,one major drawback of quitting job,besides getting bored to death and inventing new ways to die.

Waking up,jumping on the weighing scale,sighing,switching on the PC,checking mails(as it is non-working people like me dont get many emails),trying to show-off my high level of productivity on Farmville via Facebook,a cursory glance towards Orkut(it has become rather obsolete),watching out for friends' birthdays,cursing job-sites for their irrelevant job-postings,eating a saintly diet of curd and cucumber,cursing KKR for losing like perfect losers,lamenting my own life for being what it is,counting positives,taking a walk and a smoke in the evening,hunting down whoever's free to spend some time with me,driving our new car fearfully(lest i dent or scratch it),getting hold of anything and everything readable,and abusing my PC keyboard and my powerful-eyes.Oh,not to forget the ever increasing mobile and internet bills due to these activities of mine.

And to add to all woes and worries,my mom's constant reminders as to how all her friends' and sisters' and relatives' children are getting married and "settling down".As if they were suspended particles in the atmosphere before marriage!

Even taking up mundane and previously boring and taxing jobs like tidying and dusting the house is becoming a little freakish.Must device something very soon to help me stay grounded to sanity.

Khwab ho tum ya koi haqeeqat.....

What is a relationship??? Can it be pre-defined? Or is the definition circumstantial? “Circumstantial Evidence”! Whew! Sounds like Murder! Many people I know, who are not very comfortable with their Relationships, might actually agree to that. “Relationships are Murder of Privacy and Peace-of-mind”. To be honest, I’m personally very bad at Relationship Management. I keep doing the wrong things and expect people to understand. When they don’t, I simply mark them as insensitive. I get angry, lonely, dejected, defensive. Then why, you might wonder, do I think I’m qualified to write all this? For only One Reason. When people do any wrong towards me, no matter to what extent they go, I try to understand and evaluate their behavior rationally. I don’t claim to be an ever-forgiving saint. That would be cheeky enough to drive everyone away from me. But I do try, as much as possible, before giving up.

Like me, every individual has their own Relationship Management ( henceforth referred to as RM ) mechanism. Then again, there are different kinds of relationships. What I can expect to do and get away with, when my Maa is concerned, I better not dare the same with my Boyfriend! It is of utmost importance to recognize a relationship and choose a course of RM action accordingly. Since we are all human beings with Emotions, more or less, we tend to be judgmental. But before getting sentimental and tormenting ourselves with thoughts like “how could he hurt me”, or “how could she say like that! She is my best friend for 13 years now!”, or “if I cant be open and honest with my mother, then to whom should I confide?”, People, make an effort to stop and think, “he/she is an Individual first. Did I really make an effort to bring him/her on the same plane of understanding that I am standing on, before breaking the news?”. “Is it really possible for me to stand in her/his shoes and retrospect?” “Did I really make an effort to understand her/him, before expecting to be understood?” Well, Emotional creatures that we are, we often fail to stop and think. We just Expect others to understand. And yes, we so freely castigate them for being insensitive towards our needs. So, isn’t it just obvious that when all of us are following this same trail of thoughts, Relationships are supposed to, fall apart, left and right.

RM is a lot like Cricket. You select the players, you position the fielding, you strategize, but whether the batsman delivers a sixer, or a nick off the bat to be caught by the slip, is only decided on the spot. And it’s a live game. No “Restart” buttons, unfortunately. But then, the most important things in our life come without a “restart/refresh” button. And when all goes astray, we can only tell ourselves, “the best is yet to happen”. Now, I am a very positive thinking person and really do believe it to be so. For the not-so-optimistic, all I can say is, “B+….come to me, and I will heal all ills”. Sounds like Agony Aunt ( that was my intention ).

Now you might wonder what made me so serious about relationships!? You know, what they say about facing your worst fear. Instead of running away from it, solve it once and for all. My last honest attempt was at losing my excess body-weight. And after one month of facing it, and starting to tackle with it, I’m still going strong and steady about it. So now I decided to take up my next problem, which has been staring at me since a long time now. And there have been added spice to the topic of late, courtesy, love-life and family-life of some of my friends, who often turn to me in search of solace and salvation. But nevertheless, while thanking me for my unconditional love, support and notwithstanding my astronomical mobile phone bills, they don’t fail to remind me that I never Practice what I Preach. And that if only I could do that, my Life would be nothing short of a Utopia!

But alas! I’m a mere mortal with my endless follies and fallacies. Life has taught me to be patient. Life has proved time and again that Time is a Healer. But most importantly, I have learned never to retaliate when I’m angry or upset. Trust me, off late it has saved me from a lot of repentance and curses. But then again, I slipped, I tripped and I fell. I said things that I didn’t mean to, and I meant things that I never said!

Ummmm......Ahem...Lend me your (ears)eyes - 2

HELLO!!!!!!!!! :-)

Don’t be fooled by the “smiley” in the heading! I am definitely not in a mood to crack a joke and watch as you roar with laughter. So do not expect anything ( THIS IS A DISCLAIMER). Like Someone told me once, “do not expect anything…….and you will be happy with whatever you get”. I’m sure All of you want to be Happy!

Its been a really long time since I actually wrote at length with a Real pen on Real Paper! Have long abandoned the habit of confiding in Dear Diary. That was a childhood game I used to play. Or maybe, I had a lot to pen down in those olden days! As my age edged towards the wrong side of 20’s( what makes it the ‘wrong’ side though? ), I realized that I had too much tears and agonies and complaints to fill my Dear Diary with. Poor Dear Diary. Had I continued tormenting her any more, psychiatric help would surely have been necessary ( though the same is at hand in the form of my Uncle! ). When compared, I found that the number of Joyous occasions seemed to diminish to such an insignificant number, that it seemed to me a waste of resources, which of course included my Precious Time, that I quit. I QUIT!!!

But what is it that they say about introverts? Oh yes…I remember ( my memory fails me these days…advanced age syndrome – AAS ), I do seem to be a boisterous & eloquent persona, but, since I have decided to be honest herein, let me declare that I have never known a more introvert character in my Entire Life!!!!!!
Yes, I am supposedly very outspoken, honest( this remains constant ) and pragmatic person – I AM all these, but only when it concerns Other people. When it comes to spitting My heart out, there just don’t seem anyone worthy around – anyone worthy of understanding what I feel ( or is it the other way round? I am Mental enough not to be understood by Anybody ? ).Well, you may call me Proud ( or Mental ), or even Weird, but I have always considered Myself as Unique! Now don’t expect me to jot down points to prove the point, but if you know me well, enough, and even if you hate to admit it, you KNOW, I am Indeed Unique.

No, I am not writing this to prove my uniqueness. I refuse to be a pompous a**! The point remains that Introverts like me should always maintain a Diary. Or we might get a little fuzzy in the head. You know, a little zany. And to tell you the truth, these days I have actually been feeling a bit funny inside my Head, so I thought I would write. And since my dear PC is not with me in this poorly developed locality called Gurugram(name changed for the sake of anonymity) ( yes, they don’t have a cyber-café here! I prefer to blame it on the rich and pompous professionals inhabiting this place with a lappy slung over each of their shoulders ), I had to resort to sweet old Pen & Paper. God knows how many trees were fell to create these sheaf of papers which I am scrawling on, in my illegible handwriting. What a shame to a Life Form! I only hope that Abhishek Bachchan, or rather Idea, wont get any info about this anti-green attitude of mine!!!! However to show that I am still on side of Green, I am using a Green Pen!

What was the point of saying so many things? Was there a purport to this piece of writing? Well, I thank you All for your time and patience. Be back sometime soon for more of my non-sense. I really Love to irritate you 

Cheerios!!!!!!!
:-D